I still feel dreadful about losing the magazine work in 2008. I feel dreadful about the coaching being a failure. I feel dreadful about the book being a failure. I feel especially dreadful about the book. Now I feel dreadful about the MSc being a waste of time and money and another failure.
I can't think of anything I'm good at and nothing interests me any more. I'm supposed to be job hunting but I can't even manage a conversation about nothing with people I know. Interviews seem inconceivable, always assuming I even get that far. There's only one small thing I can think of that I'm proud of that I've achieved in the last 5 years. I'm useless.
Don't jump, little monkey! Where there is life, there's hope...
ReplyDeleteYou're not useless petal, you are depressed. Don't listen to that negative voice, it's just wonky chemicals in your brain. You have achieved tons, including moving cities, starting again, beginning a totally new degree, without any help or support,when most people would find just one of those things terrifying to contemplate. Give yourself a break.
I know exactly how you feel on the job-hunting, all I can say is give the pills a chance. They won't sort out your problems but they will help you to feel less dreadful and more able to manage things.
PS I liked your book a lot. Success in publishing is more about marketing, you know. See JK Rowling, etc etc...
ReplyDeletebooks schmooks. I live for books and read almost every second of the day that I am physically able to (most of the time even when I'm walking down the street. one day I'll get hit by a car. it'll learn me). The shitty books that have been published are legion. So are the brilliant ones that were not published. And you never know when things will change.
ReplyDeleteIt took Stephen Benatar 35 years of writing and 11 rejected novels before he was published. and When I Was Otherwise remains one of my favourite books.
John Kennedy Toole tried to get A Confederacy of Dunces published until his death, without success. now it's a cult classic.
Jean Rhys only wrote Wide Sargasso Sea aged 70-something.
Someone I respect a great deal once told me that he had never had a success that he hadn't failed at first. failure is practice. the trick is in the trying again.
I used to think that writer's block was not knowing how to communicate your ideas. For me at least it turns out to be having absolutely no ideas whatsoever. I've been trying to think about the next book for 3 years now. I have nothing.
ReplyDeleteI liked the book too.
ReplyDelete