I've been known to boast on a number of occasions that I have seen the Northern Lights from my spare bedroom window. I'm moving shortly and have picked a new place to still have a view north for this very reason.
Turns out it's Grangemouth Oil Refinery flaring off.
I attempted an experiment yesterday. Everything I noticed I had to find something nice to comment on. So I spent several hours going nice ring, nice church, nice hairdo, nice bag, nice architecture, nice nose, nice beard*, nice posture, nice hands and so on and it did actually lift the mood. Then I had a text argument with a colleague (a different one this time) and it all dissipated. I think in future I'm simply going to ignore all criticism, justified or not, on the basis that 95% of it is not. I will not get angry, nor will I argue about it. By and large I won't alter my behaviour either. It will be as water off a duck's back. That seems like a nice compromise. I stay mellow, they get to avoid engagement with the person who always has to have the last word.
* I'm not entirely sure what is fuelling the current craze for beards but I'm enjoying it, especially when it's reasonably full and is accompanied by a short back and sides, hipster cardigan and brogues. A few weeks ago I did a workshop with someone who had replaced the world's worst facial topiary (cross between a soul patch and a brazilian, no moustache) with a full set and had suddenly morphed from ludicrous to rather interesting.
My vision has been horrible recently so I rang Ultralase to get a follow up appointment and it's gone into administration. So much for the lifetime aftercare guarantee. The 'new' Ultralase which is owned by a competitor appears not to honour the guarantee as far as I can tell and there's no longer an Edinburgh branch either.
Also given that the primary reason for getting the surgery in the first place was vanity related so (don't tell me, I know I'm stupid and shallow) so I could finally look reasonable and get a boyfriend and I still don't have one, I feel thoroughly fecked off at my own idiocy and their shoddiness.
One last post and then I'll stop the introspection, I promise. I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm what is known as a 'highly sensitive person'. If you want to find out if you are, you can do the test here. If you score over 14 (out of about 22) you are. I score 20.
Now the problem with this is that it might sound fine when said with a sincere American accent. For a Brit, try saying that without either sneering or rolling your eyes. Synonyms aren't much better - highly strung (it's her nerves, mother), tightly wound (HER NERVES, I SAID), over stimulated (fnaaar). It doesn't get better. I'm tending towards 'easily irritated' because that describes me in so many ways.
For those of you who didn't click the link, it basically means that my nervous system is slightly overtuned, with the result that I over-react to stimuli, be they sensory or otherwise. It appears to be a genetic flaw.That means more than one conversation going on at a time, a noisy office, background music, pubs, clubs, barking, the radio on in the background, neighbour noise, stray smells, crowds, fireworks and so on make me feel very unwell indeed. As you can imagine that doesn't make me a bundle of laughs to be with or around. Or as a neighbour, partner, colleague or friend. Equally, it doesn't make the inside of my head a great place to be either most of the time.
I'm curious if anyone else here is too. I came across the concept a few years ago but got derailed when I tried to discuss it with a mental health professional and was told that I was autistic. Now people on the spectrum do share quite a lot of those traits too but it's not the same thing. It's only recently that I've started doing some reading about it and it really feels like me. The books by the woman at the above link actually make me feel understood which is not the case most of the time. I do not however recommend the book by Ted Zeff on the subject which is largely a paeon to camomile tea.
That I completely understand that other people have lives and are busy (especially at our age) and I am not trying to blame the friends I have for not being there more. I deliberately don't try and place too many demands because I don't want to lose them.
This is more about vicious circle of finding relationships of all sorts and people very difficult and yet being lonely. Or is that a catch 22? Some sort of cliche anyhow.
I'm going to be 50 this year and weeks like the past one leave me wondering where the hell it all went wrong. I have no close family, no partner and no friends sufficiently close that I would risk alienating them ringing up at all hours crying like I needed to this week.
I have an interesting job, I adore my boss (and I'm not just writing that because he reads this) and I have some colleagues who are great and some who are utter turds. Just like any job in fact. I don't believe it would be any better anywhere else. It would probably be worse. Or at least a lot duller.
But when I have a blazing row with one of the turds, as I did on Monday, and there is no-one to talk to about it, I can't get over it quickly. I even apologised today (although it wasn't my fault) and he ignored the apology and restarted the argument. But this isn't about the argument. It's about the fact that my life has become so empty and devoid of connection that it's pretty much unbearable. No amount of prescription drugs can cure that.
I can't see it improving as I get older and I don't know how to fix it because fundamentally, most people don't like me. It's hard to make friends and it's hard to keep them. I don't see that changing. I'm not saying I have no friends and I don't want to lose the ones I have but they are all people who want to see me three or four times a year. That would be fine if there was someone close for every day. But there's no-one there for every day. I tried actually expressing this to my self proclaimed best friend and she told me that I was wrong and I didn't need that sort of closeness at all. And then she didn't talk to me for several months.
But I do and for some reason I'm not allowed it. I don't want to get old like this. The thing is that I feel like a freak and I've pretty much had enough.