Monday, 16 May 2016

Pivot on this, you divot

One of the most aggravating things about my new employment is the lingo. I have no idea if it's a PR thing but:

  • we don't contact or email people, we reach out to them
  • we don't agree, we align with each other 

and most annoyingly:

  • we don't change direction, we pivot.
These things aren't just wrong, they are utterly pointless - they are (mostly) longer than the plain way of speaking and they really add nothing. 

Does anyone have any idea where this rubbish came from, so I can reach out to the original perpetrator with a machine gun?

Friday, 24 July 2015

I'm just nipping to the loo

It's quite depressing listening to myself at times, thanks to some verbal tics I overuse. Everything is either 'super' or 'fabulous', which is annoying enough but I've recently noticed that when in need of the facilities, I invariably 'nip' to the loo. I don't 'pop', nor do I 'go'. I 'nip'.

There is something frightfully, curtain twitchingly apologetic and and coy about this. I do not like it (plus 'nipping' implies a degree of speed that, as I get older, is not quite accurate). It needs to be replaced and I feel that a degree of alliteration may help.

If I were male I could point percy at the porcelain but I'm not.

So henceforth I may:

  • lurch towards the lavatory
  • totter to the toilet
  • feck off to the facilities
  • creep off to the cludgies
  • make a kamikaze strike on the khazi
  • bugger off to the bog
  • reel off to the restroom
  • slouch towards the sanitaryware
  • shuffle to the shitter
  • crawl to the conveniences
  • wander off to the WC
  • piss off to the pissoir
  • clear off to the comfort station
  • pootle to the potty

and so on. Any further suggestions?

Update: when travelling one can of course head to the heads.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

The Scottish person's guide to heavenly phenomena

  • Northern Lights - full cloud cover
  • Solar eclipse - full cloud cover
  • Lunar eclipse - full cloud cover
  • Supermoon - full cloud cover
  • Meteor shower - full cloud cover.

Still, I suppose it saves me from blinding myself on Friday.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Hot air

I've been known to boast on a number of occasions that I have seen the Northern Lights from my spare bedroom window. I'm moving shortly and have picked a new place to still have a view north for this very reason.

Turns out it's Grangemouth Oil Refinery flaring off.

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Up, down

I attempted an experiment yesterday. Everything I noticed I had to find something nice to comment on. So I spent several hours going nice ring, nice church, nice hairdo, nice bag, nice architecture, nice nose, nice beard*, nice posture, nice hands and so on and it did actually lift the mood. Then I had a text argument with a colleague (a different one this time) and it all dissipated. I think in future I'm simply going to ignore all criticism, justified or not, on the basis that 95% of it is not. I will not get angry, nor will I argue about it. By and large I won't alter my behaviour either. It will be as water off a duck's back. That seems like a nice compromise. I stay mellow, they get to avoid engagement with the person who always has to have the last word.

* I'm not entirely sure what is fuelling the current craze for beards but I'm enjoying it, especially when it's reasonably full and is accompanied by a short back and sides, hipster cardigan and brogues. A few weeks ago I did a workshop with someone who had replaced the world's worst facial topiary (cross between a soul patch and a brazilian, no moustache) with a full set and had suddenly morphed from ludicrous to rather interesting.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Well crap

My vision has been horrible recently so I rang Ultralase to get a follow up appointment and it's gone into administration. So much for the lifetime aftercare guarantee. The 'new' Ultralase which is owned by a competitor appears not to honour the guarantee as far as I can tell and there's no longer an Edinburgh branch either.

Also given that the primary reason for getting the surgery in the first place was vanity related so (don't tell me, I know I'm stupid and shallow) so I could finally look reasonable and get a boyfriend and I still don't have one, I feel thoroughly fecked off at my own idiocy and their shoddiness.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

One thing that happened

One last post and then I'll stop the introspection, I promise. I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm what is known as a 'highly sensitive person'.  If you want to find out if you are, you can do the test here. If you score over 14 (out of about 22) you are. I score 20.

Now the problem with this is that it might sound fine when said with a sincere American accent. For a Brit, try saying that without either sneering or rolling your eyes. Synonyms aren't much better - highly strung (it's her nerves, mother), tightly wound (HER NERVES, I SAID), over stimulated (fnaaar). It doesn't get better. I'm tending towards 'easily irritated' because that describes me in so many ways.

For those of you who didn't click the link, it basically means that my nervous system is slightly overtuned, with the result that I over-react to stimuli, be they sensory or otherwise. It appears to be a genetic flaw.That means more than one conversation going on at a time, a noisy office, background music, pubs, clubs, barking, the radio on in the background, neighbour noise, stray smells, crowds, fireworks and so on make me feel very unwell indeed. As you can imagine that doesn't make me a bundle of laughs to be with or around. Or as a neighbour, partner, colleague or friend. Equally, it doesn't make the inside of my head a great place to be either most of the time.

I'm curious if anyone else here is too. I came across the concept a few years ago but got derailed when I tried to discuss it with a mental health professional and was told that I was autistic. Now people on the spectrum do share quite a lot of those traits too but it's not the same thing. It's only recently that I've started doing some reading about it and it really feels like me. The books by the woman at the above link actually make me feel understood which is not the case most of the time. I do not however recommend the book by Ted Zeff on the subject which is largely a paeon to camomile tea.